My eyes dream through yours

Was it all a dream? Did I imagine that those eyes reached your soul and spoke to mine?

At what point can you believe? How long must one wait to feel the realness of love? Is it a month? A year? Three years? The truth inadvertently always has a way of revealing itself. Sometimes that truth is seen like the sun shining through glittering holes in the walls of your life. Sometimes the truth is like a rock that bulldozes itself onto the moments of glory that you thought were invincible. Whatever the case, the truth is always shown…and always in one way or another, appreciated.

Eventually the need to stop squinting to see the light is exposed as a door opens. Is it the door to the place you had thought you were going? Not always – sometimes a door gets jammed and regardless of the sweat and love that you put into it, cannot be opened. No matter how hard you try. So you move in the direction that you hope will give you an equal amount of satisfaction. With a new set of eyes and a renewed sense of hope, you try a new knob. The opportunities are endless. The door opens and you make your way. Is it worth the romantic risks you took along the way? I don’t know. Risks are risks – you wake each morning to face a new day. You wake up each year to face a new year. What will you do differently this time?

There comes a point when you can tactically see how this day is different from every other day of your life. You stop waiting. You start acting. You make a conscious decision to change the way things were before. You let the people know that you love that they are special. You try to remain true to your heart. You listen to your head. You turn around and try one more time on that jammed door because you realize you care. But it’s locked. You know now, that once what was jammed is now locked. It is no longer fate alone that governs your destiny, but the intentions of another. For this reason you recognize the limitations and move on. There are pains with these limitations that I respect. They make me feel real despite the discomfort.

And real is how I want to feel. So I continue to take the risks. To drink from the elixir of life and wonder what will be next. Will voodoo magic cure the semi broken heart of those few and in between? I don’t know. But I do know that this too will pass. And with that I sleep. And dream. Of feeling real and whole again.

And Another Thing

I said it once and I'll say it again, it's the thing that most don't understand when I describe this to them. You caught me at a vulnerable time. In all my life it's never been so prime. I tried my hardest and all in all, I fell for you f*cker, I fell for it all.

Chapter 28

What begins as moments of glory don't always end as monumental acts of reverence. Every once in awhile, things that start out so strong, so attractive, and so inviting, end before you even have a chance to think twice about what could've possibly induced the turn of events. Life has a funny way of leading us on our path. Things that seemed so clear, become muddy in truth and illusion.

Finding the truth for me and discerning the false aspects, always proves to be an interesting experience. Did I learn something from the experience? Did I grow in some way? Is there something that I can take away from this rough patch in my otherwise joyous journey called life that will leave me feeling fulfilled? Despite the lackluster ending of some of life’s unexplained experiences, I know that the unexpected chapters of life typically end up the way they do for a reason. For only through these enigmatic endings can we embark on new beginnings. A new chapter; untitled and totally open to all of life’s mystical and magical glories.

Speaking of chapters, have you ever given thought to who the author of your life is? The author of my life is a formidable pairing of myself and the evanescent cosmos. Along time ago, I made a decision that I would not depend on others to scribble the notes with their messy penmanship that would eventually become my life. Now I’m not saying main characters are not influenced and touched by outsiders, I’m simply saying that I have the ability to ultimately control the plots; the twists and turns and ups and downs that materialize into what will someday, be a great read. In fact, I like to believe that we even have the control over what color pen we write our life novel in and in what language we use to describe it. Personally, I like to use pencil when scribbling in my chapters. I create a much more interesting character because of the impermanence it exudes. So far in life, I have learned that everything really is impermanent. I hold things in my hand with an open palm; if it is to be taken away from me, I will freely let it go. If it decides to stay, I will support it with the freedom that if it does decide to leave me, I will freely let it go.

Do I have control to decide what the next chapter of my life will include? Or even to control how this current chapter will play out? No. But I do have the control to work cooperatively with my partner, the cosmos, to ensure the words I do use are full of love and acceptance. You see, my partner is here to ensure the best for me. The universe is on my side. Mother Nature knows exactly what is best for me and I trust her. We will get through this together. What you must remember though, is that your attitude will become the words and your willingness to accept the circumstances and obstacles you face in this chapter, will eventually become the ending. Exactly the way you act now will alter the ending to your story. Whether big or small, dramatic or humorous, sad or happy; you have the ability to write your own words through your language and your attitude. Make it something worth reading.

Matters On My Mind

What is it about change that makes it so scary? Is it the fear of the unknown? Or is it the fear of rejection? For me, I think it is a combination of both. When I think about my life I want to feel confident about it. I want to feel as if I'm doing everything I am supposed to do in this lifetime. Change is the inevitable force that will get me there. Despite its appearances, sailboats don't effortlessly sail along the open seas. With grace and dignity, they meet their match with sophistication and strength. High wind gusts, rolling thunder, rains, and choppy waters are just a few of the natural forces that it will contend with on its path. Life; in its natural course, will always be challenging us to rise against the tides. It is up to the individual to decide which way he will go and in which voice he will speak. The language I use on my path is one of love, perseverance, confidence and beauty. I find love with my friends and family, I persevere for positive change, I remember that strong body equals strong mind and I find beauty in nature and the good people around me. I cannot help but notice the iridescent colors hitting the shoreline as the sun makes its descent. I cannot help but take notice of the gentle and calm bay in which I write. Transport me to the choppy waters of the unknown territories of my heart, and I will come back to this bay. The hardest part of change is the most beautiful part of change. We lose ourselves, even just for a minute, to regain composure and find ourselves. I strip myself of anyone I have presumed myself to be. Like a sailing gem in the ocean of life, the wind dies down and my strength and luminosity comes back to me. Change requires an open mind to fear and rejection. It also requires an open mind to peace, love and happiness as you discover new parts of yourself. My favorite yogi tea words of wisdom are :: the beauty of life is to experience yourself :: All of those things that make you work a little harder, persist a little further, put yourself out there a little bit more, are the very things that will allow you to experience your wonderful self. Through karma^ we come into our dharma*. Sometimes rejection isn't really rejection at all. It's simply a push, sometimes a shove, in the direction meant for you in this lifetime.

^karma :: action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation
*dharma :: essential quality or character, as of the cosmos or one's own nature.

What I Want to Say To You

Let's find a place, somewhere far away where you and I can go. We'll escape this shit, blow this joint, and hold onto what we want to know. For only once do we live this life, do we get this flow. Another life continued from just one soul, this is where I was meant to go. For if it wasn't, then why did I chose, how did I meet, where then, was this supposed to go?